Bitching about erstwhile friends

“So he called you too I suppose.”, sipping on my coffee.
“No, he took the FB route with me.”, he chuckled with sarcasm.

5.01 pm

We both usually convene at this time of the day mostly to exchange what we’ve come to call as “scoops”, a hall-pass we had issued ourselves to rant and condescend about friends, family and acquaintances with lesser guilt and greater fun. So today’s top item on the agenda involved the frivolous attempts of a common friend…errr scratch that, acquaintance at mobilizing crowds to make his rather pointless wedding a crowded affair. Suffocate with quantity for a lack of quality seemed to be his maxim.

“Saw the girl? She looks like my clean shaven version from long hair days when I was malnourished”
“That’s shallow…” pauses for a brief moment, “Have you seen him?”
“Yeah. Yeah. He’s got a face his mother can only like and all, but he could’ve done better with due respect to the woman in question. More power to feminism.”
“I beg to differ. We’ve taken him with us several times to only look better, remember!”
“Fine, they’re made for each other. Don’t rub it in my face.”

“Anyways the repelling physical chemistry apart, wasn’t he coming out of another case of unrequited romance, how could he jump boats so soon?”

“When you’ve been doing nothing but mooning over a girl for over twenty months from the Teflon coated friend zone she’d put you in, from where the only action you got involved innocent finger touches while passing sugar at coffee shops, it’s relatively easy to move on.”
“Not to mention the several suggestive SMSes that were too riddled with typos and questionable grammar to make any sense of. God how many emojis does he use, like some school kid high on candy.”

“But I’m sure the girl knew at some point knew that he was trying to be more than just a friend.”
“Probably mixing bad English with worser metaphors was not such a good idea after all.”

“Yeah if those painfully lengthy abstract conversations didn’t give away, the dogged effort he put into buying those expensive run of the mills gifts sure should’ve, unless she was emotionally dyslexic.”

“Ya, who gets a stuffed teddy bear inches taller than you to only be your friend, Santa Fucking Claus?”

“I know. It’s almost rude to see a guy trip, fall and falter from one grand effort to another from your balcony, without throwing him the ropes or asking him to stop trying,”

“Some people probably enjoy watching others taking efforts for them, it validates them.”
“Or our friend was the clumsiest man at proposing to women..” gasping for breath “He could easily drive a forthcoming woman to trauma, arranged marriage or celibacy by just hitting on her.”

“That’s heavily judgmental dude.”
“Right. You’re the one to talk”

“Btw, Jessica Pearson is the most celestial looking person I’ve come across.”
“How about commas, full stops or fucking context while waltzing into random topics!”

“Fuck you.”

“Anyways, you’re going right?”
“120 dishes, 50 starters, several desserts, open bar and….”
“…And the chance of getting immortalized in a picture with the gaudily dressed couple.”
“No thanks.”

“We used to be like brothers once, sharing everything than our boxers. What happened?”
“Maturity happened. We grew up and he grew apart.”

“Agreed we’re not in the same city anymore. But couldn’t he at least invite you over phone. What happened to the good ‘old  pre-Zuckerbergian social relic called courtesy?”

“I suppose you stop expecting such niceties from a guy who majored in finance to only conduct a wedding, the price of a beach villa with a girl he knew for lesser time than the pimple on his forehead, while continuing to service the mortgage on his existing residential property.”

“Point.”

” You’re in talking terms with him?”
“No. But I wished him over phone.”
“Why? You could’ve sent an offline message.”
“Its okay. It’s not like am a bigger person and all, but he’s still a part of our lives.”
“Really?”
“If not as a friend, as a running joke during coffee breaks like now.”

“So are we getting front row seats to the shindig or do we wait for the highlights to come on FB to condescend further.”

“Latter.”

“You’re Satan.”

“Don’t get patronizing. Later.”

“Later.”

 

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